“I couldn't help but wonder, why is letting go of something so difficult, unfulfilling, and destructive so hard to do? ~Black Carrie~
2021 is coming in like a wrecking ball. My New Year celebration was complete with mediations and sage, reflection, and a beautiful dinner of a crab leg boil. Sadly I went to sleep at 10:30pm and missed the ball drop. I woke up to Happy New Year texts from so many people including that one ex I like to call Heartbreak. I was quite surprised but I politely returned the sentiment. Then we have had the Insurrection at the Capital. What a day?! And then we had the election. We’re still enduring Covid and THEN the south gets hit with a snowstorm. I mean… what a year thus far. We’ve been impacted by a lot this year but I think one of the biggest things that has impacted me is personal. I have learned and am still learning this year that love is letting go.
The song by Lauren Hill on the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill album entitled When It Hurts So Bad, goes so hard right now. I may be playing it on repeat (no judgment) as I type this post. If you don’t know of that album you should definitely check it out. So.Good. That line where she sings,
"I loved real real hard once, But the love
wasn't returned, Found out the man I'd die
for wasn't even concerned"
That line keeps coming back to me. This morning I saw a quote on Instagram that read, “Love Is Letting Go, I’m Learning That.” What a quote. As I listen to Lauryn Hill, I feel all of that. Most all of us have been there, unrequited love. We truly, deeply, love someone but the reciprocity isn't there. Maybe they are incapable. Maybe there is fear of hurting the other person’s feelings so they stay and don’t put forth effort. Maybe they are emotionally unavailable and don’t have the capacity to meet the person on an emotional level. There are so many different scenarios, but one thing is true among all of the scenarios. If you aren’t getting what you need in a relationship you have to choose your hard. It’s hard to stay. It’s also very hard to go. Today it struck me that even years after the relationship ended with Heartbreak, it has been so very hard to let go. I loved him deeply. But I also realize that if I am not getting what I need, I have to decide if I am going to continue with the relationship as is or to let go. Because loving someone or something that can’t return the love we give doesn’t mean that we have to endure unhappiness or settle. I’ve heard it called “struggle love.” Love doesn’t have to be a struggle. We can totally choose happiness. Sometimes happiness looks like truly letting go. It looks like knowing your love, your time, your energy is worth something and is worthy of someone who deserves it, can handle it, and can reciprocate it. Sometimes your “hard” is letting love go to choose yourself. That is the ultimate form of self-love. It's not easy and it's scary. The number one emotion that comes up is fear when thinking of letting go. One of the questions I hear the most from clients in this situation is what if I don’t find anyone else? But what if once you let go, you free yourself up to meet someone that meets your needs and love you unconditionally? Again, we get to choose our hard. I chose my hard. I chose to let love go and while it hurts and makes me sad at times, I know that what I have to give is so much more than what has been given to me. I also know love is best when someone loves the person that I love.
And maybe letting go isn't JUST about a romantic relationship. Maybe you are needing to let go of a narrative or story you are telling yourself. Letting go of that story opens us up to love ourselves more and focus on the good things and people in our lives. Maybe it's letting go of a friendship that is no longer good for you, maybe it's letting go of a job, a place, or a memory. Sometimes it is letting go of fear, sadness, and anger to open us up to more courage, happiness, and love. It all comes back to love. Letting go of (fill in the blank) is love. I hope we all choose self love today and everyday. La vita è Bella.
Choose Your Hard
“Love Is Letting Go. I'm Learning That." ~Malanda Jean-Claude~